Teardrop on the Fire

Ben.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 08:31:41 GMT

It's strange how sometimes a song can completely embody everything you're feeling. A throwback, to be sure, but the emotions are all the same, and strong as ever. Love you, Ben. Miss you, Ben.

Sorry I never told you, all I wanted to say.
Now it's too late to hold you,
'cause you've gone away, so far away..

Never had I imagined,
living without your smile.
Feeling and knowing you hear me,
It keeps me alive,
Alive..

And I know you're your shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day..

Darling I never showed you.
Assumed you'd always be there.
Took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

And I know you're your shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day..

Although the sun will shine the same,
I'll always look to a brighter day.
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep,
You will always listen as I pray..

And I know you're your shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day..

Sorry I never told you, all I wanted to say..

Ben.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 09:32:30 GMT

GRIEF IS LIKE A RIVER
By Cinthia G. Kelley

My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need

Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope's channels,
I'll reach the shore at last.

It's been a month and a half, and it feels like it's just starting to sink it. I'll try to take good care of your family. I miss you.

Benjamin Wray Marshall
Loving Husband, Father, and Friend
8.30.81-8.15.09

Writer's Block: Home Remedies

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 04:00:47 GMT

When you get sick or have a cold, what's your favorite remedy to make you feel better?

View 1666 Answers

Chicken Pho from the local Vietnamese restaurant. It's like a full bodied chicken noodle soup for the soul.

Rest in Peace, Michael Jackson.

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 19:08:31 GMT

"We Had Him"

Beloveds, now we know that we know nothing, now that our bright and shining star can slip away from our fingertips like a puff of summer wind.

Without notice, our dear love can escape our doting embrace. Sing our songs among the stars and walk our dances across the face of the moon.

In the instant that Michael is gone, we know nothing. No clocks can tell time. No oceans can rush our tides with the abrupt absence of our treasure.

Though we are many, each of us is achingly alone, piercingly alone.

Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that he was a gift to us and we did have him.

He came to us from the creator, trailing creativity in abundance.

Despite the anguish, his life was sheathed in mother love, family love, and survived and did more than that.

He thrived with passion and compassion, humor and style. We had him whether we know who he was or did not know, he was ours and we were his.

We had him, beautiful, delighting our eyes.

His hat, aslant over his brow, and took a pose on his toes for all of us.

And we laughed and stomped our feet for him.

We were enchanted with his passion because he held nothing. He gave us all he had been given.

Today in Tokyo, beneath the Eiffel Tower, in Ghana's Black Star Square.

In Johannesburg and Pittsburgh, in Birmingham, Alabama, and Birmingham, England

We are missing Michael.

But we do know we had him, and we are the world.

--Maya Angelou, 7/7/09

Goodbye, Michael. You shaped my life. I will miss you forever.

BIRTHDAY

Wed, 13 May 2009 09:45:11 GMT

OH MAN, I'M 22 NOW! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN SO FAST!?!?!?

yay!

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:30:02 GMT

HAPPY PRESIDENT OBAMA DAY!!!

The time I was confused.

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:07:52 GMT

I don't quite know what to do with myself. I have all these things that I want to do, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to do them.

I moved out to San Francisco about a year and a half ago and I absolutely love it. Finally being out of the parents' house is quite a liberating thing.

Since my freshman year at college, I have wanted to study abroad. I was told from all directions that it is one of the best things you could do for yourself, it's worth a lifetime of experiences, and, most importantly, it's affordable. As my moods and majors have changed, so have my options for where to go abroad. As I'm now certain in my major, I'm nearly certain in my country of choice, as well: Hong Kong. Outside of Singapore and the Seoul airport, I've never been to that part of Asia, and I'm dying to have some good experiences. Also, since I'm inching nearer and nearer to graduation, I have less and less time to go abroad. I feel like it's something that if I don't do it, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

It's not so much the program itself that worries me, but the situations and circumstances I would be leaving behind. I would like to go in the fall of next year, but that also means leaving my lovely apartment. My roommate, one of three, is also planning on moving out this time next year, so that leaves my other two roommies in a predicament. That means they would probably have to move out and find a more suitable place for just of the two of them. The only problem is, I'm fairly certain that I don't want to move back home anytime soon, so if they move out too, I'm left with no place to live when I come back. Maybe I'll just have to bite the bullet and move back home. The thing about that worries me the most is the thought that once I move back, I may never leave again. How many friends of mine have I seen, graduated from college, forced to move back home, unable to leave. I guess at that rate, maybe it would be inevitable for me to stay in the city after I graduate, what with the way prices are going and the severe lack of employment. It just seems like such a waste, considering all the furniture and things I've bought for life away from home. Though it irks my mother, San Francisco has become my home, as well. I have an entire life in this city, and I feel like if I do leave, even for 6 months, it's as if I'm giving up my life in the city for good, for now, at least. I wish I had the capital to come back and live here whenever I want, but unfortunately, that isn't the case. It's almost a privilege to be able to live here, and I'm worried that I might be giving up a good thing too soon.

I just a genie or something to tell me what to do with my life.

OMFG.

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:33:08 GMT

soooooo it turns out that not only is robert pattinson coming to SF, but he's coming to a mall about two blocks away from my house. i'm quite uncertain what to do with myself right now. i wonder how red he'd turn if i actually asked him if he would sign my boob.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

oh dear.

Tue, 13 May 2008 17:40:12 GMT

happy 21st birthday to me. good god, time flies.

anxiety

Fri, 02 May 2008 15:05:08 GMT

i have an interview today for a scholarship that could potentially give me up to $7000. i feel like i'm gonna puke. UGH. be over already.

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 08:19:02 GMT

why, oh, WHY, did it take me so long to discover the "twilight" series? these books are such a lovely distraction from life.

i want an edward cullen.

Mon, 14 May 2007 06:59:50 GMT

happy birthday to me...

another year gone...

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 06:33:56 GMT

i should be studying for a pretty big midterm tomorrow, but fuck it.

i should say that things have been on the up and up, and it seems like they have, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. i miss an old friend, more than i probably should, but it's something i can't seem to turn off. considering the way things were left with the two of us, i should be feeling more animosity and anger, i guess, and i kinda do, but i feel like i'm just over the whole thing. i can't bring myself to have the energy to be mad about it anymore; it's just kind of become a known and indifferent fact. but there are the times when i find myself thinking about the whole situation and...i dunno. it's not that sharp, painful, heart-breaking sadness anymore, though it was for months. but now, it's like a worn-in sorrow. i just feel BAD that a friendship so good was wasted so easily, i guess. it's funny, because that whole janet ordeal hadn't bothered me the way this did. but i guess it's simply because we both understood that we understood each other in a way that no one else did and cared for each other in a way no one else did, and to lose something like that over something as stupid as that was like...a huge waste. i mean, if we had to break it off, at least do it properly and with a bang. this was just dumb. it's been five months since, and we're worse off then when the whole thing happened. what's up with that?

ok, so really, other than that, things are pretty good. i've got some awesome classes this semester, and though they're a challange, to say the least, it's so worth what i'm learning, in the short and long run. work is good, as good as retail would get, i suppose. more friends have relocated, but you make new ones and keep in touch with the old ones, so it's not all bad. it kind of feels like if it wasn't for that one person, that one un-friend, i would be having a ball. and it sucks that i keep that from letting myself enjoy stuff as much as i should, but it's really something that i can't ignore. i'm looking forward to the summertime, hopefully i can see some old friends again, like all of those that are away at college, and there's a possibility that i might be going back to "mothercountry" with the family at some point. i dunno, but it should be good.

i turn 20 next month! woot, and it should be an interesting birthday this year. i dont even know what to expect anymore. alls i know is i need to turn 21 FAST.

and if anyone woulda told me this time last year that this is where i would be now, i woulda told you you were snorting keith richards' dad.

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 07:47:05 GMT

i find it fairly inconceivable how he can still wear the bracelet representing the person who lied to him for 6 months straight and still talk to and joke with the one who broke his heart into a millon pieces, yet he still can't talk to me or move past it. what is wrong with this picture, and how could i have wronged him more than they did? why do i always recieve the harsher punishment?

i'm so tired of all of this.

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 04:34:50 GMT

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em' out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice.

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 02:55:37 GMT

FUCKING DOUCHE BAGS BREAK INTO MY FUCKING CAR WHILE I'M BUSTING MY ASS AT WORK AND FUCKING STEAL MY STEREO AND CD'S.

like i needed more shit to deal with. FUCK THIS.

him.

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 00:41:54 GMT

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 06:26:31 GMT

i fucking give up on this guy. honestly. WTF.

growl.

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 23:54:20 GMT

why is it that after jim leaves, all the bikers in the world decide to haunt me? honestly, on a 10 minute drive from home to bart, fucking 9 motorcycles? wtf. and it's not like it was only one day, either. no, this is every fucking day. where were all the bikers three weeks ago, dammit? as if i needed another reminder. the world hates me, sometimes.

i need a fucking cigarette.

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 02:03:35 GMT

i think i'm a little in love with anderson cooper.

from Anderson 360:

"It's been three weeks now, three weeks and counting. Fighting and dying. Shelling and running. So much of it seems so long ago, only the pictures a reminder we were ever there. A war is like that. Each day is the first. The past is dead and forgotten. In a war, there is only now, only this: a smoke shared by buddies, a few hours rest. The minutes pass, so do the memories. At first, the shelling. The rockets. That's what you see, what you hear. Incoming, outgoing. Sirens and screams. All of it quickly fades, however, and becomes like your pulse--always there, a throb in your ear, a beat you barely notice.

In the distance, there's a beauty to it-- brilliant flames, a flash of light, a brief boom that echoes in the hills. But up-close, there's nothing beautiful about it. The ground rumbles. Your spine shakes. The heat and dirt scald your skin. So much of this war we don't even see. You stare at distant hills that smoke and smolder. The ground is dead. You see tanks move, soldiers come and go, but you don't see the fight up-close, and that's where we all want to be. You try to get close, as close as you can. You want to feel the heat, the fury, swallow the embers. You watch firefighters put out the flames, but it's never enough. You want to see more. You follow the action wherever its led: Beirut, Cypress, Haifa, Keryat-Shona. You've camped out in hotel rooms and balconies, street corners and cars, pulling up stakes when the story moves on. Three weeks now, three weeks and counting. Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I've seen."

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 19:10:51 GMT

just when i thought it didn't get much worse than munchausen syndrome, someone else had to drown in a stream. i think these past three weeks have been the shittiest i've ever had.

yoinked from bunney

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 01:15:00 GMT

[mood| amused]

"In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also consid ered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them."

good lord.

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 23:24:25 GMT

[mood| pissed off]
[music| fort minor]

i love how i can get the highest GPA i've gotten yet, and when i tell my father, his response is "ok, work harder and you'll do better next time."

fucker. see if i tell him about school again.

Tue, 23 May 2006 18:25:11 GMT

[mood| melancholy]
[music| there there - radiohead]

last night was the last of "alias" that we shall ever see in very long while, if ever. it was a good ending to a long and winding show. a lot of questions were answered, a lot of loose ends tied up, but at the same time, not everything was packaged away for a "happily ever after." it was nice to see that there is still a future for these characters, not just that fairy tale ending. i was sad to see some people go (jack, tom, and irina), but was happy to see others forced to suffer for the rest of eternity (literally). he soooo had it coming. it's funny to see that about 7 years into the future, dixon still has dreadlocks. what's up with that? and yay for sydney and vaughn to have their perfect house on the perfect beach. but of course, the best part for me was to know that mr. sark is still alive and kicking, and of course, up to no good. we wouldn't have it any other way. and it was refreshing to hear his snarkiness come back in for a last stand. "does it have to be so filthy? if Rambaldi can prophesize the future he might advise me not to wear $500 shoes." for those of you that know me, you know how crazy i was about this show, and how obsessed i was with sark. for me, it's an end of an era, as this show really helped me grow up, at times. even while it sucked (but only for a little while), this show was, for some reason, important to me. i can't really explain it, and i won't bother trying to here, but that's that. i'm happy with the way the show ended, and it gave me happy thoughts for the characters who have been so important to me. i won't say the show changed my life or anything like that, but the character of sydney bristow, strong, intelligent, proud, and loyal, certianly provided motivation and inspiration when i lacked it. to a good run and a great end, thank you "alias."

"you know, i didn't want any of this. mass extermination isn't exactly my passion, michael. i'm a business man. you know, i simply wanted to come out on the winning end." -- julian sark

Sun, 14 May 2006 08:07:07 GMT

it has been 52 minutes since my birthday has been over, and it makes me a little sad. again, it was not how i thought it would turn out to be, but i cant say i didnt have fun. friday was new, and i find that though i like hookah, it's just nice smelling smoke. but you know, when i put it like that, it makes it sound like i didnt have fun. i did have fun, actually, and friday was a great day, to be honest. i got to meet the fucking goo goo dolls, man, and it was brilliant. i got a signed cd and a picture with johnny rzeznik. it was exhilerating and i was trippin. i didnt get to see andew on friday night, and thought that he wasnt going to come home at all this weekend, but he actually came home on saturday just to get me and give me little present, that being our special godiva chocolate. i got to hang out with laura, janet, nick, and richard last night, something i havent done in almost 6 months. that was a lot of fun. i got amazing gifts from natasha, diana, and above all, my brother. really, if i could do it all over again, i would have done more with my brother. i feel really bad cuz we were supposed to spend all day togther out and about, i guess, and we really spent it at home cuz of me. but we did go out, and we got some mother's day stuff taken care of, so it's ok, but i still feel like an ass. i'll make it up to him, somehow. and really, it was overwhelming how many people were sending birthday wishes on myspace and facebook. it was crazy, some of those people i havent talked to since graduation, but it sure does make a girl feel special.

so really, all in all, it was a good birthday. i am gonna miss it being my birthday, though.