| Ben. |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|01:29 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | ben | ] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Soundtrack: |
| | Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men - One Sweet Day | ] |
It's strange how sometimes a song can completely embody everything you're feeling. A throwback, to be sure, but the emotions are all the same, and strong as ever. Love you, Ben. Miss you, Ben.
Sorry I never told you, all I wanted to say.
Now it's too late to hold you,
'cause you've gone away, so far away..
Never had I imagined,
living without your smile.
Feeling and knowing you hear me,
It keeps me alive,
Alive..
And I know you're your shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day..
Darling I never showed you.
Assumed you'd always be there.
Took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared
And I know you're your shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day..
Although the sun will shine the same,
I'll always look to a brighter day.
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep,
You will always listen as I pray..
And I know you're your shining down on me from heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day..
Sorry I never told you, all I wanted to say.. |
|
|
| Ben. |
[Oct. 5th, 2009|02:28 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | ben | ] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | Soundtrack: |
| | Revelry - Kings of Leon | ] |
GRIEF IS LIKE A RIVER
By Cinthia G. Kelley
My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.
Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.
I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need
Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.
Grief's river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope's channels,
I'll reach the shore at last.
It's been a month and a half, and it feels like it's just starting to sink it. I'll try to take good care of your family. I miss you.
Benjamin Wray Marshall
Loving Husband, Father, and Friend
8.30.81-8.15.09 |
|
|
| Writer's Block: Home Remedies |
[Sep. 6th, 2009|08:59 pm] |
Chicken Pho from the local Vietnamese restaurant. It's like a full bodied chicken noodle soup for the soul. |
|
|
| Rest in Peace, Michael Jackson. |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|12:05 pm] |
"We Had Him"
Beloveds, now we know that we know nothing, now that our bright and shining star can slip away from our fingertips like a puff of summer wind.
Without notice, our dear love can escape our doting embrace. Sing our songs among the stars and walk our dances across the face of the moon.
In the instant that Michael is gone, we know nothing. No clocks can tell time. No oceans can rush our tides with the abrupt absence of our treasure.
Though we are many, each of us is achingly alone, piercingly alone.
Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that he was a gift to us and we did have him.
He came to us from the creator, trailing creativity in abundance.
Despite the anguish, his life was sheathed in mother love, family love, and survived and did more than that.
He thrived with passion and compassion, humor and style. We had him whether we know who he was or did not know, he was ours and we were his.
We had him, beautiful, delighting our eyes.
His hat, aslant over his brow, and took a pose on his toes for all of us.
And we laughed and stomped our feet for him.
We were enchanted with his passion because he held nothing. He gave us all he had been given.
Today in Tokyo, beneath the Eiffel Tower, in Ghana's Black Star Square.
In Johannesburg and Pittsburgh, in Birmingham, Alabama, and Birmingham, England
We are missing Michael.
But we do know we had him, and we are the world.
--Maya Angelou, 7/7/09
Goodbye, Michael. You shaped my life. I will miss you forever. |
|
|
| BIRTHDAY |
[May. 13th, 2009|02:43 am] |
OH MAN, I'M 22 NOW! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN SO FAST!?!?!? |
|
|
| yay! |
[Jan. 20th, 2009|01:31 pm] |
HAPPY PRESIDENT OBAMA DAY!!! |
|
|
| The time I was confused. |
[Nov. 18th, 2008|03:47 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| |  distressed | ] |
I don't quite know what to do with myself. I have all these things that I want to do, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to do them.
I moved out to San Francisco about a year and a half ago and I absolutely love it. Finally being out of the parents' house is quite a liberating thing.
Since my freshman year at college, I have wanted to study abroad. I was told from all directions that it is one of the best things you could do for yourself, it's worth a lifetime of experiences, and, most importantly, it's affordable. As my moods and majors have changed, so have my options for where to go abroad. As I'm now certain in my major, I'm nearly certain in my country of choice, as well: Hong Kong. Outside of Singapore and the Seoul airport, I've never been to that part of Asia, and I'm dying to have some good experiences. Also, since I'm inching nearer and nearer to graduation, I have less and less time to go abroad. I feel like it's something that if I don't do it, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
It's not so much the program itself that worries me, but the situations and circumstances I would be leaving behind. I would like to go in the fall of next year, but that also means leaving my lovely apartment. My roommate, one of three, is also planning on moving out this time next year, so that leaves my other two roommies in a predicament. That means they would probably have to move out and find a more suitable place for just of the two of them. The only problem is, I'm fairly certain that I don't want to move back home anytime soon, so if they move out too, I'm left with no place to live when I come back. Maybe I'll just have to bite the bullet and move back home. The thing about that worries me the most is the thought that once I move back, I may never leave again. How many friends of mine have I seen, graduated from college, forced to move back home, unable to leave. I guess at that rate, maybe it would be inevitable for me to stay in the city after I graduate, what with the way prices are going and the severe lack of employment. It just seems like such a waste, considering all the furniture and things I've bought for life away from home. Though it irks my mother, San Francisco has become my home, as well. I have an entire life in this city, and I feel like if I do leave, even for 6 months, it's as if I'm giving up my life in the city for good, for now, at least. I wish I had the capital to come back and live here whenever I want, but unfortunately, that isn't the case. It's almost a privilege to be able to live here, and I'm worried that I might be giving up a good thing too soon.
I just a genie or something to tell me what to do with my life. |
|
|
| OMFG. |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|04:29 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
soooooo it turns out that not only is robert pattinson coming to SF, but he's coming to a mall about two blocks away from my house. i'm quite uncertain what to do with myself right now. i wonder how red he'd turn if i actually asked him if he would sign my boob.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. |
|
|
| oh dear. |
[May. 13th, 2008|10:37 am] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | cheerful | ] |
happy 21st birthday to me. good god, time flies. |
|
|
| anxiety |
[May. 2nd, 2008|08:03 am] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | nervous | ] |
i have an interview today for a scholarship that could potentially give me up to $7000. i feel like i'm gonna puke. UGH. be over already. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2007|12:14 am] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | Soundtrack: |
| | hysteria - muse | ] |
why, oh, WHY, did it take me so long to discover the "twilight" series? these books are such a lovely distraction from life.
i want an edward cullen. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2007|11:59 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | melancholy | ] |
happy birthday to me...
another year gone... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|11:12 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | melancholy | ] |
i should be studying for a pretty big midterm tomorrow, but fuck it.
i should say that things have been on the up and up, and it seems like they have, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. i miss an old friend, more than i probably should, but it's something i can't seem to turn off. considering the way things were left with the two of us, i should be feeling more animosity and anger, i guess, and i kinda do, but i feel like i'm just over the whole thing. i can't bring myself to have the energy to be mad about it anymore; it's just kind of become a known and indifferent fact. but there are the times when i find myself thinking about the whole situation and...i dunno. it's not that sharp, painful, heart-breaking sadness anymore, though it was for months. but now, it's like a worn-in sorrow. i just feel BAD that a friendship so good was wasted so easily, i guess. it's funny, because that whole janet ordeal hadn't bothered me the way this did. but i guess it's simply because we both understood that we understood each other in a way that no one else did and cared for each other in a way no one else did, and to lose something like that over something as stupid as that was like...a huge waste. i mean, if we had to break it off, at least do it properly and with a bang. this was just dumb. it's been five months since, and we're worse off then when the whole thing happened. what's up with that?
ok, so really, other than that, things are pretty good. i've got some awesome classes this semester, and though they're a challange, to say the least, it's so worth what i'm learning, in the short and long run. work is good, as good as retail would get, i suppose. more friends have relocated, but you make new ones and keep in touch with the old ones, so it's not all bad. it kind of feels like if it wasn't for that one person, that one un-friend, i would be having a ball. and it sucks that i keep that from letting myself enjoy stuff as much as i should, but it's really something that i can't ignore. i'm looking forward to the summertime, hopefully i can see some old friends again, like all of those that are away at college, and there's a possibility that i might be going back to "mothercountry" with the family at some point. i dunno, but it should be good.
i turn 20 next month! woot, and it should be an interesting birthday this year. i dont even know what to expect anymore. alls i know is i need to turn 21 FAST.
and if anyone woulda told me this time last year that this is where i would be now, i woulda told you you were snorting keith richards' dad. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|12:47 am] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| | WTF?! | ] |
| [ | Soundtrack: |
| | gimme shelter - the rolling stones | ] |
i find it fairly inconceivable how he can still wear the bracelet representing the person who lied to him for 6 months straight and still talk to and joke with the one who broke his heart into a millon pieces, yet he still can't talk to me or move past it. what is wrong with this picture, and how could i have wronged him more than they did? why do i always recieve the harsher punishment?
i'm so tired of all of this. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|09:34 pm] |
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em' out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|07:55 pm] |
FUCKING DOUCHE BAGS BREAK INTO MY FUCKING CAR WHILE I'M BUSTING MY ASS AT WORK AND FUCKING STEAL MY STEREO AND CD'S.
like i needed more shit to deal with. FUCK THIS. |
|
|
| him. |
[Oct. 31st, 2006|05:41 pm] |
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|11:24 pm] |
| [ | Feeling: |
| |  frustrated | ] |
i fucking give up on this guy. honestly. WTF.
growl. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|04:49 pm] |
why is it that after jim leaves, all the bikers in the world decide to haunt me? honestly, on a 10 minute drive from home to bart, fucking 9 motorcycles? wtf. and it's not like it was only one day, either. no, this is every fucking day. where were all the bikers three weeks ago, dammit? as if i needed another reminder. the world hates me, sometimes.
i need a fucking cigarette. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|07:03 pm] |
i think i'm a little in love with anderson cooper.
from Anderson 360:
"It's been three weeks now, three weeks and counting. Fighting and dying. Shelling and running. So much of it seems so long ago, only the pictures a reminder we were ever there. A war is like that. Each day is the first. The past is dead and forgotten. In a war, there is only now, only this: a smoke shared by buddies, a few hours rest. The minutes pass, so do the memories. At first, the shelling. The rockets. That's what you see, what you hear. Incoming, outgoing. Sirens and screams. All of it quickly fades, however, and becomes like your pulse--always there, a throb in your ear, a beat you barely notice.
In the distance, there's a beauty to it-- brilliant flames, a flash of light, a brief boom that echoes in the hills. But up-close, there's nothing beautiful about it. The ground rumbles. Your spine shakes. The heat and dirt scald your skin. So much of this war we don't even see. You stare at distant hills that smoke and smolder. The ground is dead. You see tanks move, soldiers come and go, but you don't see the fight up-close, and that's where we all want to be. You try to get close, as close as you can. You want to feel the heat, the fury, swallow the embers. You watch firefighters put out the flames, but it's never enough. You want to see more. You follow the action wherever its led: Beirut, Cypress, Haifa, Keryat-Shona. You've camped out in hotel rooms and balconies, street corners and cars, pulling up stakes when the story moves on. Three weeks now, three weeks and counting. Sometimes, I'm not even sure what I've seen." |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ladyfiery47's journal
tired